A Psychological Profile – Windsor, Ontario
From this point forward, everyone, Brendan Houghton will be referred to as the latest addition to the ScaleDown family. We just got the adoption papers back and everything looks like it’s in order. Welcome to the family, Brendan!
by Brendan Houghton
Ladies and gentlemen, I like to think of myself as a lot of things, and one of those things is an armchair psychiatrist. I have absolutely no credentials, no certificates, and no degrees in psychiatry or psychology of any sort. In fact, the very act of me evaluating an entire city makes a mockery of clinical psychiatry, and I should be blacklisted and shunned, barred from any public events, and possibly my lunch money should be taken away as well. But, I’ll do it anyway, what the heck. Besides, I wasn’t that hungry so go ahead and take my lunch money, the jokes on you.
My subject will be the city of Windsor. Some of you may be familiar with my subject by name; others may be more comfortable with me calling it “That Place Where The Casino Is”, or “That Place You Have To Drive Through To Get To Detroit”. Some of our American viewers may be more familiar with “Bartown”, or “That Place We Go Every Weekend To Drink”.
Now that I have all everyone’s attention, I will begin. The following is not scientific, or reliable. It is not credible nor should it be brought up in casual conversation or classroom instruction.
Behaviour
Windsor shows passive aggressive behaviours towards parts of itself, including the older, more established parts of itself, which it often neglects. This may stem from a history of ignoring large sections of itself in order to show favouritism to parts of itself that it may find more appealing, due to their apparent newness or novelty. Case studies may include: Southwood Lakes vs. Olde Walkerville, or WFCU Arena and the “new and shiny downtown” vs. The real Downtown. Has a strange fascination with auto factories and stucco. At times has no concept of reality, punctuated by moments of sheer lucidity. Is in love with something called “Feasability Study”. Subject becomes irate when asked about its history. Implies that it tore down parts of itself just because it needed more “parking”. Could be interpreted as more passive-aggressive, borderline schizophrenic behaviour.
Symptoms
Physical: Obsessed with bland, uniform styles. Has increased in size dramatically in the past decade, yet strangely has no problem spending more money expanding, raising taxes and ignoring public outcry. Is criss-crossed with a dense network of roads. Has not an ounce of regret having its light rail system removed. In fact, had to be reminded several times that such a system once existed. In Windsor’s old age, it has lost all vanity and sense of beauty and personal dignity. This is now exclusively in the Olde Walkerville, Coventry Gardens and other noted regions. When I suggested that Windsor decrease in size, or at least remain for a time at its present size due to health reasons, Windsor became very aggressive and loud, peppering its language with the term “naysayer”.
Psychiatric: Displays passive aggressive behaviour, borderline schizophrenic. No shame in its lack of physical fitness. No desire to try any new thought processes or economic strategies, despite its obvious clinical depression.
Interview:
Fake Dr. Jung: Windsor, what can I do for you today?Windsor: I am depressed, Doc, I need some help. My industries and people are leaving me at an alarming rate. My vacancy rate is the highest in the nation, and so is my unemployment rate, what should I do?
F D J: Well, we have to get to the root of the problem, that is the point of psychiatry… at least that is what I read in that textbook I bought from a second-hand store last week…
W: What?
F D J: Never mind. You are depressed. You need to go and diversify your economy, improve your university so that people graduating from there will want to stay with you instead of always leaving you for your cousin, Toronto, or worse yet, that girl you once met at a dinner party, Alberta, the former Miss Western Hemisphere.
W: Oh, I hate her! I barely know her but I hate her! All her precious oil and her rodeos!
F D J: Mm Hmm. How does that make you feel?
W: It makes me feel mad.
F D J: Continue
W: Well, that’s all really, it makes me mad. I want to diversify, I mean I got Stephen Harper to give Ford a bunch of money to re-open the engine plant, now that’s good, isn’t it?
F D J: Well, yes, but you are still not addressing the problem, Windsor.
W: What’s the problem, help me out here doc.
F D J: The problem is that you continue to go down the same path that brought you here into my office. You have to go against the grain to make a change, Windsor.
W: Doc, you know what? You are right! (Stands up) From this day forward, I’ll have the prime minister give money to any auto company that ever gets in trouble again…
F D J: Uhh, Windsor, that wasn’t my poin-
W: …Let it be known throughout the land that auto factories no longer have to fear closing because I will have the PM bail them out every time! I don’t care if they don’t create new jobs for anyone in Windsor because their workers who are mostly close to retirement age will spend and support local Tecumseh businesses! It’s a great day for me! Hey, did you know I have an arena named after me?? Do you have an arena named after you? Didn’t think so!
F D J: Please sit down, Windsor.
W: Oh, sorry, I’m not used to standing up and cheering too much anymore. I almost forgot I was depressed.
F D J: Listen, I’ll give you a prescription. It’s called “funding the arts”. Take a few every day and then I will see you back here in a few weeks.
W: Gee, thanks doc, and I’ll be sure to call up Chrysler and GM to see if they need anything, a back rub, a foot massage, or 70 million dollars, whatever they need. Thank you, this has been very rewarding. I’ll design a parkette in your honour. Oh and I’ll be sure to take those “plunging the carts” every day. See you later alligator!
The preceding was my evaluation of our city. It was exhausting, exhilarating, and at times emotional but we got through it. I hope you all learned something today about our city, and please, do me a favour, don’t tell Windsor I let this leak out, because if Windsor finds out, it might build a parkette in MY honour.
Tags: guest blogger
Post Feedback
The above made me spill my cereal! It would bge even more funny if it wasn’t actually true.
I have said it before many times, Windsor wants to be something (I still don’t know what that is yet) but it alsways does everything half-assed, with half the committment effort using over-budgeted dollars.
Here is a bit of advice. Do 100 small things and the bigger things will take care of themselves. There is no silver bullet cure.
Your last paragraph is basically “ScaleDown” in a nutshell, ME. It’s a mantra that should ring constantly in the bedrooms of our municiple leaders while they sleep, to hopefully awake a changed person.
Always felt the same way, Chris, and often worried that the “small things” were sometimes lost while we were lobbying local gov’t and debating major initiatives. We can all make small changes in our own lives a bit here and there and in turn make a huge difference collectively.
Sorry. The free ride is over.
I see you haven’t forgotten Ms Gignac’s immortal words, Andrew!
Rumours! I’ve heard scuttle that the city can’t agree on whether to add Prozac to the water or Viagra. One is to calm the citizens before the 2009 budget and the fact that taxes will have to be raised, or two, to add viagra in the hopes of creating a baby boom in Windsor to replace all those that are leaving.
Living in Windsor, you have to be optimistic .. optimistic in that tomorrow you won’t be as despressed as you are today.
If the new canal is built, will it be called Eddie’s Folly as they did in North York the other day, when the city lost to a developer through the OMB. The coucillors named the new street to the unwanted development the OMB Folly road.
Or will we rename the canal as the Trough of Sorrows for the money we spent on it.
Want to get the depressed feeling early? McGuinty is warning or maybe advising the city of Toronto not to raise property taxes, “”I think we all need to be careful in terms of imposing new costs on families and businesses for the usual reasons,” he said. And “Ontarians are a little bit nervous, (a little bit!!!!) there anxious and very concerned (Duh!) We have to be careful and not levy new costs because of how they would be interepreted”….really!
I’m depressed!
But not the free lamp chops, sirloin steaks and lobster thermamore at councilors meals before council meetings.
CREDIT CRISIS: MUNICIPALITIES
Cities gird for impact as economy falters
Some towns may delay projects, while others look to cut costs
From the Globe and Mail today:
“With financial markets in flux and the economy slowing, municipal governments across Canada are bracing for the fallout on their budgets. Some cities are considering delaying capital projects while others are looking to trim spending. Falling house prices could also translate into less money from property taxes, a key source of revenue for all municipalities.
The financial meltdown “adds to the already challenging economic climate that exists currently in this area,” said Tony Haddad, chief administrative officer for the Town of Tecumseh, Ont., a suburb of Windsor.
“Benjamin Tal, a senior economist at CIBC World Markets Inc., said city infrastructure projects will likely suffer because of the tighter borrowing climate. Last month, the Greater Toronto Airport Authority temporarily shelved plans for an $800-million expansion because of the credit markets.
“Infrastructure really is a leverage story and it is one of the first casualties of the credit tightening,” Mr. Tal said in an interview yesterday. “Company by company revenues are going down in this sector, and it’s my belief the credit crunch is hurting them right now. This is not permanent though, and I believe that infrastructure is going to be a very big story over the next five years or so.”
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20081008.RBANKSMUNICIPAL08/TPStory/?query=waldie
Our mayor has stalled alright! Now it seems that nothing will get built for at least thirty years until the economy recovers!
Depressed yet? You will be!
Just when infrastructure began to enter the municipal dialogue…
Eddie at this moment should kiss and make up with Matty Moroun, because he is the only one left with money to build a bridge. If DRIC, MDOT and DOT were hoping for a P3 partnership to finance the Brighton Beach bridge ..as of this moment …. forget it, the money won’t be available and I don’t have to tell you why!