I think we all should start a new city.  Let’s pack up and leave this one horse town and begin anew, with good ideas and a completely diverse economy.  The plan will be in several phases, the number of which I haven’t come up with yet, because I am going to make it up as I go along.  This is how the French Revolution was began and continued through ten wonderful, peaceful, orderly years.  So, sit tight, grab your favourite slice of computer chair and have a listen to my story, it’s a long one I tell about a southern Ontario city that you all know well.

Phase One – The idea.  Well, I’ll be in charge of this one, as it is my idea, and all great ideas spring forth from my staggeringly creative mind, and if anyone else has any opinion or thought to “better” this idea, please, do yourself and your fragile ego a favour and sit quietly until the end before you embarrass yourself.

Phase Two – The discussion.  I’ll put Chris in charge of this, as he is very good at discussing everything from the best way to get to Tecumseh without a car, to how to start a political party in 30 words or less.  He will be the face of this new city, and he will organize the thousands of people needed to move everyone into the new community.  If this fails, and it most certainly won’t, we will all blame him, as he is the “face” of this movement.

Side Note – Who put me in charge?  I did.  Any further questions see “Phase One” and no more questions until we are finished.  Is everyone comfortable?  Perhaps you are a little peckish.  Try microwaving a pizza pop or how about some chips?  How was dinner?  Mine was good, I had some stew, and it was goooooood.

Phase Three – Attracting large employers.  Chris, Mark, James, Brendan (that’s me) and a French interpreter will travel to Montreal in a limousine hitting every buffet on the way there until we reach the head offices of Bombardier.  When we are there, we will wine and dine the executives of this company, and offer them naming rights to our new town in order to attract them here.  While feeding them an obscene amount of alcohol, we will tell them our city will be “a perfect entry point into the U.S. market”, and have a “wonderful manufacturing sector already in place”, plus it will “smell nice” and “have a good personality”.  Once convinced, these executives will fall over themselves thanking us and immediately set up a gigantic plant in the middle of our proposed town.  They will then offer to put us up in a five star hotel of our choice, with all expenses paid.

Phase Four – Construction.  We will construct the town in the middle of Essex County after purchasing about 30,000 acres from a collection of farmers.  Another plan is to buy the town of Essex and convince them by way of winning a rigged coin toss that they must either assimilate into our new Metropolis of “Bombardierville” or leave quietly and don’t let the air-pressure sealed door hit them on the ass on the way out.  People will be employed by our construction company, Boscariol Construction Limited, and they will build mixed use dwellings, department stores, and mansions for the leaders of this city (see “Contributors List on www.scaledown.ca) who will have Frank Lloyd Wright designed homes of the most opulent quality.  No expense will be spared in their construction.  I like oak, oak is good.  I want a walk in humidor as well…

So, did you get anything to eat yet?  Perhaps you are thirsty.  You know what I could drink at all times of the year?  Iced tea.  I LOVE iced tea.  Normally people only drink iced tea in the summer, but I’ll drink it any time of the year.  Why do people categorise certain drinks into “summer drinks” and “winter drinks”?  Don’t even get me started on orange juice.  I drink that at all times of the day.  I do not consider that a breakfast drink.  Do you remember those commercials as a kid, where they would say “Kellogg’s Corn Flakes are a part of this nutritious breakfast” and they would show a bowl of cereal, some toast, and a glass of milk AND a glass of orange juice?  You ever try to take a sip of orange juice and then take a sip of milk?  Disgusting.  I say, have one or the other.  But I digress.  Have some iced tea.

Phase Five – Exodus.  Thousands of people will move to our new town, making it a smallish city, then a city, then a horrendously large metropolis.  How will we convince people to gather together their meagre belongings and uproot their entire lives?  Advertising.  We will pay screenwriters to write us into Hollywood blockbuster movies.  Imagine Joaquin Phoenix saying “Golly, I’d love to live in that go-go place Bombardierville!  It seems like a swell place to be!” –something like that, I’m not a screenwriter.  We will advertise our amenities, such as:

-          24 hour snow removal.

-          24 rain drying, where helicopters will hover over streets until they are totally dry.

-          Round the clock garbage pickup, where garbage men (or ‘waste-disposal engineers’, as they prefer to be called) will gather together your trash, and take it out for you.

-          A large and extensive streetcar system. 

-          Segways for anyone who wants them.

-          Free bicycles.

-          “Toonie Tuesdays” where every item for sale in the entire city is two dollars for exactly 24 hours.

-          Free movies on Saturdays.  Every movie theatre will have free movies on Saturday nights.  People with colds, or who are prone to talking while watching movies will be charged double, no matter what day they see a movie.

-          A four day work week.

-          A canal system as complex as any on earth.  The goal will be “to make Venice look like a sad excuse for a city full of a bunch of crappy drainage ditches”.

Phase Six – Bring in more large employers.  Strapped with a humongous amount of money from our wonderful city, and a few “lucky” bets at “New Devonshire Raceway”, the Gang and I will travel throughout the land, attracting employers to our city.  Just a sample of the names include: Boeing, Microsoft, Google, MacDonnell Douglas, Air Bus, Hewlett Packard, Sham-Wow, and many more where that came from, Bombardiervillians!

Phase Seven – Celebrate, Good Times, Come On! – Living in our fine city will be better than winning the lottery after falling in love with the most beautiful person on earth while eating the best meal of your life, preceded with having the best sleep of your life after learning you are the sole heir to the Romanov fortune.  Every day will be the happiest, most incredible experience we have all had, and each day will get better.  People will be clamouring for our entrances, and who could blame them? 

I invented it.

(note) The preceding was a bit of satire.  The holidays can be an extremely stressful time, and I think some humour would be a welcome respite from the dole drums and annoyances that this “most wonderful time of the year” provides.

Merry Christmas, Scaledowners, and Happy Holidays.

Oh, one more thing, I hate egg nog.